Do you need to follow Maya Jane Clark’s story from the beginning? Start Intentionally Fearless: The Liberation of Maya Jane Clark here!
Hey, fellow Safe| In Harm’s Way travelers! It’s me. Maya Jane. Gotta take a break, my dears. I’m done with Janey’s Letter for now. I can’t. I just can’t.
Gotta Take a Break, Folks, I’m About Eight Olives In: NEED A VODKA REFRESHER NOW!
So……I’ve been drinking. I’m more than a little tipsy right about now. Enough that if I was walking, I’m sure I’d trip and break my glasses and tear my jeans at the right knee. Tipsy plus.**
Can’t stand the taste of red wine, so I’ve gone back to the “whooodie” as my old friend once called it. Vodka. Tito’s is my preference, olive juice dirty and blue cheese stuffed olives. Plus, fun twirly sticks. I have to stick the olives on a fun twirly stick I picked up at the Tuesday Morning store. Gosh, I love that store. I also love TJ Maxx. Sometimes I hit both and just say I’m going to the Tuesday Maxx store. They have really cool twirly sticks for my dirty martinis.
Gotta tell you- THIS SUCKS!!
Cutting and pasting the letter to Janey really sucks. It hurts me down to my soul. Several years out and I ache. Back to the vomiting. Back to hives. I am suddenly reminded of Soul 2 Soul. Does anyone remember that song?
What if those beautiful women were singing “back to the vomit-ing. back to the hives, baby”? I think they’re singing that to me, actually. UGH!! Somebody give me a darn drink.
What hurts most? Not the want of Marc. Not the missing of Marc. Mostly, I just laugh at the memory of him; not his actions- I will never laugh at the 18++ (admitted to by Marc) years of soul-puss oozing actions. But I laugh at how pathetic and disgusting he seems to me now. How un-intelligent and weird- really weird, he seems to be in hindsight. He isn’t awkward, as self claimed, but full on WEIRD. Why did I stay? My Goodness! Why Didn’t I Leave? The Ugly Truth about Abuse Grooming
So why the “back to the vomit-ing. back to the hives, baby”?
It is the complete and total disregard of my health and safety from a man who constantly looked me in the eyes, held my face and proclaimed how much he loved me. Plus, we would often talk about how gross our subdivision friend, Mr. James Neighbors was. How sickening and what a liar he seemed to be. Turns out- Marc had a sexual relationship with him. OH MY GOD! I’m going to vomit again, I just know it.
All the while Marc was utilizing his penis with a variety of any other people he could find. Any. Person. In my bed. MY BED!! I brought that bed to the relationship and he left his body fluids, and the fluids of strangers (and one very well loved Mr. James Neighbors) in that bed for me to unknowingly sleep in the same sheets. The same unwashed sheets. Que the vomit. This Tito’s ain’t staying down, man!!
All the while he was allowing complete strangers (and one very well loved Mr. James Neighbors) into my life and the lives of my children- exposing us to danger at every second of every minute of every day of every year; all by his own admission. And we were dumb and clueless and completely in love with this good man named Marc the entire time of exposure.
Janey now constantly reminds me that the most intense moments of danger, were when WE DIDN’T KNOW. Now we know. Now we are aware and trying not to live in fear. Now we work hard to live in a state of heightened caution (read: scared, but not constantly verbalizing we are scared, so as not to further scare ourselves) as our therapist would say.
I’m giving you a break from the letter because I need a break from the letter. If you were here, I’d make you a fabulous drink (I’m like my mother- you’d get a very heavy pour of the vodka) and let you pick out your own twirly stick. Heck, I’d let you pick out as many as you want; fill the martini glass with twirly sticks. I will pick up more at the Tuesday Maxx along with the 28 dog toys that seem to jump in my cart every trip.
Take care of yourself friends. Take a break and a bath and pour yourself a drink. Believe me- it gets even worse from here.
You know what else Soul 2 Soul preaches in this song? The lyrics below…..so, as always, within the vomit and hives is inspiration.
Keep on movin’
Keep on movin’
Don’t stop, no
**article edited when sober to correct spelling and grammar errors.
Wanna Listen? Soul II Soul- Back To Life