Do you need to follow Maya Jane Clark’s story from the beginning? Start here with the Age Verification: The Liberation of Maya Jane Clark!
The abuse delivered to me and my children at the hands of a man named Marc De’Saude is extensive; over many years and multi-layered. I feel compelled to lay out some trigger warnings.
There is going to be talk about sex. Please don’t be fearful The discussions will not be pornographic in nature and explicit. I mean, I could go there since you’ve all agreed it’s OK to delve into the really-really’s of abuse. It isn’t pretty, and the abuse inflicted can be pornographic in nature and violence.
I hope I don’t loose any audience members because of the sexual nature of the abuse and the discovery. One thing the Safe| In Harm’s way team agrees on is that the story must be told, and most importantly, the dots connected on what exactly this level of abuse means to survivors and their family. It’s easy to want to turn away and think “no way”. No way did THAT really happen. Except it did happen.
So we will be speaking about sexual abuse in general terms and the aftermath of that type of abuse.
I can’t promise there won’t be cursing, but I will try. My mom always said, “Maya, smart girls don’t curse. Cursing doesn’t get you noticed or heard in a positive light.” I will honor her wishes……sometimes.
It will be hard. First, I don’t want the message to be lost because of cursing, but damn-it, sometimes a really good curse word is warranted. And, sometimes multiple-hyphenated versions of the same curse word tell an even better story. This is because the abuse strays into tunnels that are so overwhelming and physically, spiritually and morally corrupt there are no words to adequately explain the level of depravity upon the face and façade of a self proclaimed “good man”.
Vomit. Vomit is an action that often made its way out of my body from the sheer disgust of a man I let touch me in intimate and loving ways. Now the thought of his touch makes me vomit. How do I even start to use the English language to accurately explain that level of disgust?
Baths. Baths that would take two hours and multiple fills of hot water before a child would come fetch me, always trying not to cry and begging me, “Mom, please get out of the tub.” I just couldn’t soak the stench of him, and all the other men and women he brought into our bed, off me no matter how long I scalded my skin. All those people he had sex with, without my consent or knowledge. Ohhhh, and don’t forget, when I came home from work trips, he would make love with me in the same bed. Sheets unchanged. What words give a glimpse into that kind of sadness, bodily fluids and fear of disease he exposed me to? No words, but a good old curse word.
But before the abuse, cursing, vomit and baths there was a love that I cherished and worked hard to nurture. There was a life I absolutely adored and wanted to secure forever, and it was lived in ignorant bliss of knowing nothing of his secret life. Complete and total monogamy from me. Devotion. Love. There were plans to be grey- haired and holding hands and family dinners surrounded by music, wine and our grand-kids. There were dreams we made lying in bed, all tangled up and naked. Should I talk about those years, because the abuse discovered looks even worse in comparison to what I thought was my dream man and reality? Yes. I should, because the abuse discovered looks even worse in comparison to what I thought was my dream man and reality. BOOM! Answered my own question with the question itself.
The level of abuse needs nothing more to highlight its ugliness. It is evil incarnate. In truth, I wish there was a way to water it down so people don’t walk away and think “no way”…. because, well, “way”.
Watering it down? Yes, there is one perfect reference. The best explanation I can offer comes from Netflix’s “Stranger Things”. Season Two, Episode Five. At about the 43 minute and four second mark. If you haven’t watched “Stranger Things”, do it. It’s amazing and an easy binge. I will highlight it for you without giving away any spoilers to the overall plot. No worries for spoilers. Promise.
So…….Two characters, Jonathan and Nancy, have tracked down a man named Murray and told him about a huge government secret and their friend, Barb. Murray explains that the only real way to get the story across is to water it down- the general public can’t fathom the level of information and deception. Murray explains, it’s like putting tonic into vodka so that the vodka is more palatable. (As soon as I figure out how to edit snippets of video, I will insert. I can’t figure that out, yet. Patience please.)
But I can’t water this down. The truth is the truth. I will just serve up the information, Grey Goose shots with extra lime style, and there will be no tonic to help it be more palatable. I hope you can keep it down for the night, and not end up with a huge hangover.
The articles I have written are done chronologically. They will be put into this website chronologically from the exact moment they were written. What does this mean?
The level of sadness and depression will not be masked. The level of anger and hatred that rise up occasionally will not be changed. It’s all there. Good, bad, ugly, hysterical, joy, skipping and peace will all remain in the proper context of the article written at that specific moment in time.
I’m doing this because the information about Marc and his main known sexual partners and actions just keeps coming to me, even years later. NOW I know. THEN (as in during our relationship), I didn’t. I don’t want to go back and edit articles to reflect any gained knowledge. There is a certain ugliness to the lack of knowledge I had at the time of chapter creation. There is also a certain beauty, because my brain could have only processed information in chunks.
Heal. Discover the new information. Heal. Repeat. To have full knowledge at the very beginning, seriously would have admitted me (and rightly so!) into the mental ward for an extended stay with zero Hilton Honors points.
By not editing the originals to reflect the new knowledge that unfolded over the years, I’m honoring the multiverse and God’s slow discovery process for me and my family. This will serve as a testament of gratitude for the process of protecting me, when I didn’t even know I needed the protection.
Honestly, I’ve been carried through the discovery with such gentle hands and guidance; I’m lucky and blessed beyond measure by powers higher than this earthly realm. (I also think our puppy, Beattlejuice, sits at a throne in heaven and helped everyone sort this all out and filtered it down to us. That tiny 13 pound puppy thought he was a 150 pound Great Dane, and he carried himself as such. I know he brought this about to protect us all.
Holy hell!! I was just weeks shy of marrying Marc. Beattlejuice certainly helped save me from his heavenly throne!)
If the abuse discussed could be a trigger, the article will have a warning. I want people who have been traumatized to be ready and in the right state of mind to receive the information. If they want to receive the information at all. The triggers for trauma victims can send a perfect day into fetal position. Been there. Done that. Oh, about 829 times. It’s not pretty and I’d like to spare others the trauma if they’ve endured and survived their own abuse.
We are about to begin our pathway; several chapters in and only about four baby steps onto the path. Please hang in here with me. Please don’t close down the computer and walk away from the abuse because it’s too much to handle.
Had I walked away from what I first saw, because it was so grotesque and insane, I never would have discovered Marc’s level of abuse. I would have married him and continued to be abused in filth and living with his puss filled soul (WOW! That sounded angry, right? I am a bit angry at this very moment. Not editing the anger out.)
Instead, I turned around and faced what I discovered. That choice has made all the difference in the world. Maybe facing down this demon with me, will allow you to escape a situation you’re not ready to know exists or help someone who needs to escape. Maybe you’ll discover what gaslighting is and realize you’re living it. Maybe the signs I never knew along the way, are living out in your world every day and you will suddenly be woke to the reality. Maybe you’ll leave. Maybe you won’t. But, maybe you will take more courage in leaving….someday.
Narcissistic Abuse at the hands of a Cluster B type personality disorder true narcissist? Folks, you’re about to earn a master’s degree in that circle of hell.
I’d like to give a special thanks to the Safe|In Harm’s Way team. Their encouragement and love is beyond measure and I hope to repay them all someday. They allowed me space and time, because re-living some events can find me sobbing in a grocery store and not being able to stop the tears, or, you know, the whole fetal position thing. They would give me time and grace to heal and move forward again.
And…..here is the really cool thing; while I’m putting out my story, they will be doing homework on all the laws and processes and ideas and resources that are available to help those being abused. What they find will be brought to you on the website, in one brilliant Amazon-esq one stop shop without the payment. Brilliant! I just get to tell my story and they will provide every imaginable resource to help survivors leave.
I like how I have picked up their lingo. I like how their mission statement is flowing through my brain now. I like how we have a plan in place that could morph and change, and we are plunging forward knowing the end result we want to achieve, but still not exactly sure how we will arrive at our destination. As our fearless leader Janey constantly reminds us, “Ladies, we just need to take a drink of water, we don’t need to swallow the entire ocean. Let’s do this small drink by small drink.”
The world needs changing, and an army is needed for the cause; you could help be the army. Come take my hand, I’ve got your shot of vodka poured and circled the rim with extra lime. Let’s put our glasses up, speak the truth, and start to change the world by exposing the truth with confidence and patience.
You ready? Here we go.
I’ll drink to that!