Do you need to follow Maya Jane Clark’s story from the beginning? Start Intentionally Fearless: The Liberation of Maya Jane Clark here!
Wow. Hello there. Sooooooo…….I’ve started this introductory letter oh, about 41 times. Many different versions. Many different ideas. So much so, I’m just spinning round and round and round.
Enough already. Time is now. Let’s not burn the day away any longer.
Ultimately, I have figured the best way is to start with my name and work forward from there.
Why not just stand up and speak who I am and give courage to other women to do the same? Why not ensure that any other woman who comes across him will not suffer the same fate? Gosh, that fear is real for me; some other woman (and possibly her children) is going to be unknowingly exposed to his filth and disease.
Well, I’m scared out of my mind. Still. Years later. I fear him, his 20 year network of cohorts and his family; who upon confrontation after discovery, pretty much seemed to know he was troubled in his first marriage…..but left those pieces of information unsaid to me and my kids. Classic! Truly cluster-b-personality-type-flying-monkeys.
After all, I was going to change him. I was going to give them back their son and brother, with my love and the love of my family.
Consequently, turns out, now I must protect myself. I must protect my family. I must ensure a man who looked me in the face and claimed to love me, also lived a secret life the entire duration of our relationship; from the very first second until well beyond the time I left him. You know what? I bet I’d win a huge chunk of change by betting that he still is living that life. Why would he not? He hadn’t been caught for almost 20 years. Certainly, my leaving him didn’t stop his actions. I know this to be true. I wish Vegas had odds on him. Oh well.
He lived a life filled with insanity, disease, deceit and drugs all in our own home and when he traveled for work. And when I traveled for work, and when I was sleeping and he had “business dinners”. And in our own bed. And here and there and every where…..Basically, every opportunity he could get, he took; any stranger’s or neighbor’s sexual appetite, he valiantly attempted to satisfy. Based on what I found, he happily engaged.
I had zero knowledge of any of these covert actions. He made sure my life with him was conducted with outwardly grand actions to convince me of this undying love.
There were all the other layers of abuse, besides the numerous affairs, all conducted while I remained faithful and monogamous. Drug use, financial abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, unsafe living conditions and emotional abuse all were weapons of choice for Marc.
My family lived in a tidal wave of overwhelming loss from his lies once I found out. We never knew. Until one beautiful day we did, or at least we started to know. It’s several years later and the revelations still just keep on coming. And the pictures- WOW!! I had to look at pictures, and then look up random definitions on Urban Dictionary to find out what I was looking at. “Oh!!!! So THAT’S what that is. OK.” and then run to the bathroom to vomit.
The team at Safe| In Harm’s Way are so cool. They worked hard on protecting me, allowing me space and time to heal, as they built this entire site around me. I love them for it. Shout out loud for the people in the back, “THANK YOU! Thank you, team Safe| In Harm’s Way, for building this while I took the time to heal. You ROCK!!”
So- now back to me. Who am I? My mom is a huge fan of Greek mythology. I can’t even tell you the amount of times we watched “Clash of the Titans” as a youngster, with my Mom explaining all the gods, goddess’ and the history the movie left out. (Side note: I’m a Medusa fan. Loved that chick! She was pretty bad ass.)
My name came from Greek mythology. The Greeks spelled it as Maia and the legends say she was the mother of the “messenger” God, Hermes. Her name also translates to brave warrior and great mother. As an adult, I kinda dig the connotation of birthing the message and being a warrior Momma. When I was a kid, I thought it was weird. However, apparently Maia was beautiful, which made the five-year-old me happy and fostered hopes of a future Ms. America crown, just by name alone.
Hello. I’m Maya Jane Clark and it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Who did I meet and fall in love with? Marc De’Saude. Who abused me in a systematic and calculated way? Marc De’Saude. Who still scares the hell out of me today? Marc De’Saude.
Maya and Marc.
We had it all. Beautiful huge home, a blended family that worked hard to get along well, a fabulous and very active sex life, travel, fun, dreams, prosperity, and a love that was “deep and everlasting; a connection I’ve never had before” (His words).
Plus, “I just can’t get enough of your smell” (His words).
Plus, “Tangle up and dream with me. What fabulous life will we lead?” (His words).
Plus, “Our grand-kids are going to have the best family adventures.” (His words).
Plus, “Sweet-pea, our love is a love to be envied.” (His words).
ALL. LIES. EVERY. SINGLE. WORD.
Over the course of almost a decade, all those words Marc spoke to me, plus others more wonderful and beautiful that served to lift our Perfect Couple status higher and higher- were all lies. And on a random and uneventful evening, it all came to a crashing halt.
Marc lifted his middle finger to the sky (God, Universe, Multiverse, whatever deity you subscribe to) with a big “F$&K you” on our love and life we created. Each and every second of each and every day together- from the very first moment we connected, were all lies and filth. And in so doing, he covered every inch of our inner and outer selves in filth that I never knew needed to be power washed with Lysol, Karen Silkwood style.
The twelve words (thirteen without contractions) that forever changed my life and the lives of my children?
“Baby, don’t be livid. I’ve done something really bad. Really bad.”
It’s been a pleasure to meet you! I’m glad you will be along for this ride and I hope you learn something along the way that saves you or someone you love.
Music is so important a component here. Each chapter of my journey will have a corresponding sound track. Why?
My family loves music. Currently, we are kinda digging early 70’s rock (Let me tell you, there is a sweet joy when one young son says, “Mom, turn up the radio, it’s Fleetwood Mac!”)
Anyway, there’s music that saved me on this pathway. Music that inspired me and music that halted actions I wanted to reign down on the guilty parties involved.
The music will serve as a soundtrack to articles more often than not. Heck, as we get this ball rolling, if you are reading one of my articles and think of a better song- tell me. I’d love to hear what music you thought of on any particular article. Oh!! And watch for our Safe| In Harm’s Way playlist on Spotify.
The lyrics I woke up to in my head today are:
Love, love, love what more is there?
Because we need the light of love in here
Don’t beat your head
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that’s okay
Just look for the love in it
And don’t burn the day away
~Dave Matthews Band, 2006, Live Version of “Pig” from Weekend on the Rocks